Friday, February 10, 2006
I'm so very sorry that... (call for list)
On BBC Radio 4's News Quiz this evening, the topic of obscure apology
cards came up - the point being that while shops might stock cards
which say 'I'm sorry I missed your birthday', it's harder to find cards
for things like 'I'm sorry I dressed up as a suicide bomber and took
part in a demonstration while on parole for a drugs offence.' And it
occurred to me that in this era of home printers, cafepress,
etc., there's really no need for some of these awkward apologies
to be left off the shelves. So I tried to think up a few more common
ones that Hallmark don't seem to have covered:
"I'm sorry that...
"...I bullied you at school.
"...I took you to see that terrible movie.
"...the apple I offered you at break had a maggot in it.
"...I borrowed your house while you were on holiday and had wild parties in it.
"...I didn't really buy your a Ferrari for your birthday.
"...I told you The Biscuit Joke.
"...I stole the car, drove it to Vegas and sold it for gambling cash.
"...I stole your milk.
"...I stole your cat.
"...I stole your husband. etc., etc....
"...I'm not taller.
"...you're not taller.
"...being so damn apologetic all the time.
"...I threw a plate at you. (You still deserved it, but I'll apologize anyway, because I'm a lot nicer than you)
"...I'm sorry your ancestors were abducted and sold as slaves by my ancestors.
"...I'm sorry my ancestors were Welsh.
"...I'm sorry you're Welsh.
"...about the Welsh.
"...we hired a complete stranger to tell you you were adopted.
"...I walked through the house wearing my pig-slaughtering clothes.
"...I scared you with that gag with the teeth.
"...I was born.
"...you were born.
"...I wasn't born richer.
more generally:
"I'm sorry my ancestors did bad things to your ancestors."
"I'm sorry about the uneven drift of technological progress since the Renaissance.
And of course:
"I'm so sorry about the baggage retrieval system they have at Heathrow."
Any other possibilities spring to mind?
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36 comments:
//I scared you with that gag with the teeth.//
I read that as "in" instead of "with".
...I ran off with the bridesmaid
...I ran off with the best man
...I ran off with the minister
.. I sent a female impersonator to take my place at the wedding.
(even better when it sits next to that particular headshot...)
...I faked it
...you had to fake it
...I lied about the vasectomy
...the baby doesn't look anything like you
//I'm so sorry about the baggage retrieval system they have at Heathrow// so worried about ...
"I'm sorry I stood by and laughed when you slipped on the ice."
"I'm sorry I puked in your shoes on New Year's Eve."
...I traveled to Iraq alone and scared you all shitless.
...I married a fifteen year old boy and told you it was because he reminded me of you.
...this year has been so lousy for the turnip crops.
...your income tax return is a negative number.
...I was such a rotten father.
...Simon Cowell has to be on TV again for another trillion weeks.
...I puked in the elevator but blamed it on you.
...I never told you your armpits stink and let you go out in public like that.
...I stole that cute hot-air-balloon-shaped eraser from you in the first grade (I'm still waiting for that apology from my classmate)
...I ran over your cat over and over and over again
...that you have the table manners of a moose
"I'm sorry I recommended a television show to you and then once you became addicted to it, I stopped watching it."
"I'm sorry I remarked how much your baby looks like Satan."
*snort*
"I'm sorry I made you snort." :)
I'm sorry...
...that I laughed when you said you love me and wanted to marry me.
...I lied when I said those trousers don't make you look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
...I scratched your back so deeply during sex and that you need laser surgery to get rid of the scars
(this is fun--good one, Matt.)
(it's OK, Tara, the bleeding will stop soon)
"I'm sorry that you married me and then found out I had eight kids."
"I'm sorry that I recommended you to send your kids to English medium school."
"I'm sorry I have nothing funny to say"
...I used your Aunt's cremation urn as an ashtray.
...I used my salad knife to spread pâté on a Triscuit.
...I ate part of your centerpiece.
...I set your wedding gown on fire when I lit my fart.
...I peed in your bidet.
...I told your grandmother the one about the midget undertaker, the two hookers and the dead clown.
stick your job!
I actually made a couple of those once.
"I'm sorry I told the boss that you thought he looked like a toad in a suit."
You know, I can't help wondering how many of these represent actual events...
None of mine. Well, some of them probably happened to somebody somewhere, I suppose.
"I'm sorry I recommended a television show to you and then once you became addicted to it, I stopped watching it."
This one happened to me a few times. A few people recommended I watch a few television shows. Once I got hooked on them, the person who recommended the show stopped watching it. They're television pushers.
"I'm sorry I found your nose so amusing."
Methinks Steve doth protest too much. Whose centrepiece was it, Steve?
... My name is Earl.
At least you didn't ask whose wedding dress.
Ah, wouldn't you love to know... ;-)
Actually, none of mine are autobiographical, either. Except for the hot-air-balloon-shaped eraser that was stolen from me in the 1st grade. But I don't hold grudges...
First grade must've been the time when little thieves were developing their skills, because I had a few of my favorite erasers stolen from me! Weird.
Huh! We're both victims of first-grade eraser robbery! Keep a sharp eye on those little first graders...I've always said they're up to no good!
...I screwed your sister/mother/brother/father.
...I didn't warn you about my family.
...you didn't warn me about your family.
...I'm me.
...you're you.
...I met you.
...the check bounced.
...you saw me do it.
...I saw you do it.
And for Ben Frost:
...I shat in your bed then pretended you did it; oh, wait, that didn't really happen!
You should go for it - there's a ready market for snarky cards. Just remember that most cards (99%) are bought by women (except in NY, where they all seem to be targeted to gays), and gear your punch lines accordingly. Along those lines, I can't find a website dedicated to greeting card lines - perhaps you(/we?) could start one?
Real card:
"Life is short, and so is Grandma."
Favorite card I saw over the weekend: "I lost my virginity, but I've got the box it came in."
How strange. I can remember sitting at the back of lessons at school, making up Valentine's rhymes for cards with my buddies. (My favourite: Roses are red, Violets aren't green, you can't have my heart, But I'll give you my spleen). Surely there must be a collection point for these somewhere!
Otherwise we'll have to start one...
Obscure but effective Valentine cards perhaps?
That would be effective? Woah. I've been trying too hard.
//Surely there must be a collection point for these somewhere!//
Sort of a halfbakery for greeting card lines? Maybe lines and cover images? You could even allow visitors to pick an image and a saying and produce a layout for them.
Some wuold say a spleen was a substantial effort.
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