Wanted: one CAD monkey. Must have infinite patience with dead-slug-in-a-straw slow computer links, and own supply of bananas. Ability to keep self amused during slow periods crucial. Ability to not mind too much when people at head office ignore your life's work and produce something dumb instead without so much as bothering to inform you, also helpful. Must be able to go for days without speaking to another living soul.
Benefits:
- nobody really caring that you're using company resources and personnel to make light switch surrounds for your flat.
- The ability to go bang things with hammers when stuff gets too frustrating.
- Many many toys (lathes, chemi-etching, rapid prototyping machines, etc.) which can be pressed into service for various, er, personal projects. (see 1)
If you had to write an advert for your own job, what would it look like?
2 comments:
Wanted : eBusiness monkey
The Company
The company is a large soft drink manufacturer and distributor. With 44000 employees worldwide, it's an oil tanker of an organisation that attempts to manoevre the market like a jetski with inevitable consequences. Crazy policies and politics abound. Some of our drinks are remarkably popular with customers and consumers - marketing do their best to convince everyone that the other ones are too.
The vacancy
Educated to a high level to ensure maximum frustration, the Head of eBusiness will waste considerable efforts stating the bleedin' obvious to people that should know better. Your job will be to coordinate all e-communications (internal, external), Sales force management reporting, CRM and e-procurement with 10 fewer people than you actually need. On the plus side, those that are there are good.
Skills
Must have :
Ability to hide unmeasureable frustration.
Solid head for bashing against walls.
Ability to deal with idiots without it showing or resorting to sarcasm
Ability to read job vacancies discretely
Ability to work in a challenging environment where the American division don't understand what needs to be done.
Wanted : Political Minefield Sapper
Our clientelle
Will have their own agenda, and our culture of corporate excellence values each client's unique perspective on the fundamental forces they feel are shaping his or her life at the moment. A successful Sapper will carry the company presence to each engagement with clients as though burdened by a great foot at the ready to shove into one's mouth. We expect our Sappers to enable our clients to feel welcome in their openness to demand the utmost from us, and our Sappers will give each client the ego boost that a "300 pound gorilla in the midst" would feel entitled.
Our bottom line
You, the Sapper, are in the lead of our daily business of patching the crazy quilt of client experience and whim fulfillment. Cram the urge to "smile and let go" into your mouth in place of that ready great foot we all know is there, and let's give 'em the store, because at the bottom line we all need to keep our eyes on the bread.
Special talents we're seeking
There are dogs of war, and there are dogs of business. Our ideal Sapper is like the pit bull of client service, and to carry the analogy a bit further, only candidates with an inexhaustible energy for digging and backfilling craters need submit their resumes. Simply put, new Sappers are filling some really big shoes and must be prepared to come into a few kicks in the chops.
You're going to want the job, we're not going to fight you for it
-- An equal opportunity employer.
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